A Different Sense of Self - Every Day!

"My training in physics has taught me that there is no such thing as coincidence."       - Madeleine L'Engle, A Swiftly Tilting Planet

After nursing my sick horse for three days, I lay down on the floor to do a movement lesson. The horse, by this time, was fine. Myself? I was trashed. In the body scan, I noted how crooked I was. My neck was kinked off to the side. My hips were completely externally rotated, my right shoulder was up off the ground. 

It was not a version of me I recognized; at least not from my shape. I recognized the sense of exhaustion. I recognized the sense of relief that the emergency was over. But I knew it was important to do an AWARENESS THROUGH MOVEMENT lesson now more than ever to regain my sense of comfort which had been disturbed by the worry of it all. It was an opportunity to 'unkink myself.' And that's the continuous magic of the FELDENKRAIS METHOD. 

Now you might think that, as a practitioner, I'm perfectly aligned and never get out of synch. Nope. Sorry. Life's not like that. It sends you curve balls. With stress we all regress. All those late nights, checking up on my 17 hand patient, with his hard belly, administering homeopathics in the pitch darkness by flashlight. 

At least he was used to it now. Last year, he had never seen a flashlight before and it sent him to the other side of his paddock in a heartbeat. My sense of safety was disturbed enough with the wind and the rain whipping sideways without spooking the horse to boot. All that carting heavy buckets of hot water and hot bran mashes up the hill in a mental state of abject anxiety and concern got me returning to older, more dysfunctional movement patterns. The questions is, can I get out of them now? Do I know how?

With each passing lesson, it gets easier to 'unkink myself' at will. This morning, I was reconnected with my more organized self within minutes of doing the lesson I had chosen. What does it feel like? It just feels more comfortable to be in my body, and my mind eases and finds it easier to remain in the present moment without having to police my thoughts, or 'try' to stop thinking (well nigh impossible anyway!). I didn't even have to finish the lesson, although I did, because it's relaxing. My muscles released their unconsciously held unequal tonus: that disjointed feeling of tension that is a result of having some muscles short, and some long - even at rest. My skeleton settled into an alignment that supports me in space both on the floor and in standing. When I stood up, I was more myself.

This is very different from training myself to the shape of some idealized concept of perfection. I was restored to a sense of my own individual strength in body and spirit. The experience is completely unique and each time it becomes more quickly accessible. I don't have to do an exercise for an hour each time to get the same result. Each time I can reconnect with less and less effort. And this is my goal for you as your teacher. To get you connected - to yourself, to what matters to YOU, and to what makes you see, sense, hear and feel. This is embodied presence; consciousness expanded to include both internal and external environment in one big whole sensation of spirit living in a dynamic, changeable, self-aware body.

Besides, it's spring time: it's time to embody the life force that is about to pop out of every living creature on the face of this earth who is not stuck in some sort of artificial with-holding of self or holding back of joy! It feels like watching that big bay buck as he ran across the field in the sunshine when he finally felt better, mane and tail flying in the wind...Yahoo! Sometimes joy is simply a good romp in the pasture with all systems go.

Feldenkrais for the Battered Women of this World...

"You were kind to me," she said. He made a sound, of wonder or pain; his hold tightened.

        "I did nothing - "

        "Your eyes saw me." She paused, gazing back into those 

          strange, bleak years. 

        "No one ever saw me," she whispered...

                   - Patricia A. McKillip, the Book of Atrix Wolfe

Globally, at least one in three women and girls is beaten or sexually abused in her lifetime. (UN Commission on the Status of Women, 2/28/00)

Yesterday, I was working on a particularly delicate desktop publishing project that was all about getting the spacing correct, lots of tiny changes that, if not saved, are pretty much a ‘start all over again’ deal. Suddenly, the power cut off, and everything went dead. Years ago, I might have panicked. But, I have joked for years that I am the Queen of  Starting Over. I was not particularly disturbed.

 

As a survivor of the experience of growing up in an alcoholic home, I have a lot of experience with thinking about how to get what I need when it appears as if the power lines have been cut.  That feeling was pretty much an every day occurrence. Then, later, as an adult, I was a sitting duck for attracting abusive men. Why? I was so used to abuse I thought I deserved it. Water seeks it's own level. I will never forget facing the locked front door to my own home, hearing my six year old daughter screaming for me inside - but her father - God bless him - had changed the locks.

 

He was the King of the Perfect Family, and as such, since we were over as a partnership, was committed to getting me seamlessly out of the picture so he could find a new wife a.s.a.p. This new individual, this  a new mother, he would then insert into the space left vacant by my sudden exit from abject emotional servitude. Never, 'in my wildest dreams,' did it for one second occur to me that he would completely cut me off from my baby. 

When we had first discussed bringing our daughter into the world, we had made an agreement. We had agreed that if it ever happened that we did have to separate, neither of us would use her as a pawn to hurt the other. He probably didn't think twice about breaking that commitment I had made with such solemnity with him. From his perspective, I guess he thought he was protecting her. What he was really protecting was his ego. Love does not create separation.

 

For me it was a loss that cut to the very foundation of everything I held dear. As a recovering addict, six years earlier, having a baby had been a momentous decision for me. I knew it would be hard, not something to do lightly. But after much thought and soul-searching, I had determined to have this baby as a demonstration of my new-found commitment to life, an act of saying 'YES!' at a profound level of my own experience. An addict is committed to slow suicide. 

The commitment to Love, and to have the audacity to bring another living being into this world was a huge shift for me. For any mother, having a baby is an act of faith in the universe, of hope that the world is not such a bad place. For me, this was a step into trust far greater than any I had ever taken before. And, it was about to be tried almost beyond endurance. This is not the place for the whole story, but I will say that I never picked up again, no matter how close to the depths of despair I came during the next few years. I was a mother now, no matter how near or how far I was from my daughter.

 

When I left that house, where I had endured abuse both physical, mental and emotional, I was beaten, broken, ashamed, emotionally and physically depleted. At that point there was no question of fighting for what was true and right. This righteous father called the nastiest lawyers he could find into play and their tactics where as sleazy as they come.  I was broke, homeless, and had no skills to speak of. They say battered women have ‘Self Esteem Issues.’ Well try having no self esteem at all, at all. See how far you get in the world. People walk all over you, they take advantage, they step on you. There is no reprieve. And if you’ve just been through years of trauma that the violent relationship represents, you think you deserve it. Because that’s how you’ve been programmed.

When I tread the dry texts of psychology, that speak about me as if I were a rare specimen, instead of a common occurrence, they talk about having an unhealthy ‘Sense of Self.’ What IS that? Well, the text-book definitions are abstract, as are all attempts to categorize and study something from the outside. All I know is that the best way to understand what it means to have a healthy Sense of Self, is to try living without one!

Nowadays, things are very different indeed. As a FELDENKRAIS practitioner, I work with healthier ways of shaping and molding the way we perceive ourselves in relationship to our environment all the time. Now if that sounds like jargon, it’s because in the abstract it is. Without relationship to something actually happening, it’s theory. But within myself, or within the people I work with, it’s a tangible shift in perception. It’s a way of relating to self and the world as if I matter. It’s connecting to the sense that what I think and feel is important on both an internal and an external level.

What I sense IS how I notice that I am thinking and feeling. For people living in the trauma of a constant crisis, either in the occupied territory of a war zone in a foreign country, or, in the war zone of their own home if violence is the norm, sensing and feeling is INTENSE.  So intense, in fact, that it’s common to turn it off, tune it out. It’s the only access to any sense of peace internally, even if it is illusionary and temporary - until the next predictably unpredictable outbreak erupts.

The problem with this is that if I turn off my ability to feel anything, I actually make myself even more prone to being taken off guard, to being hurt, to being a target. So victims, family members and war veterans alike usually more than compensate with developing a heightened sense of awareness to the ‘vibe’ around them. 

Hypervigilance is a symptom of trauma and it runs rampant in the homes of the multitude of dysfunctional families all over America. Wake up people, this is not an uncommon issue. (I was called for jury duty once. They had to eliminate potential jurists who had prior experience with domestic violence. One by one as each person was called and questioned, they were eliminated. By 10:00 a.m. about two thirds of the potential jurists had been released; approximately nine out of ten people, in this small American town in California, could not claim to have never been in contact with friends or family dealing with some form of domestic violence...)

 

Post traumatic stress syndrome is not just a veteran’s diagnosis. And, from my point of view, it’s not much of a diagnosis at all; it’s a symptom of a shattered sense of self - something entirely responsive to the gentle and safe environment of AWARENESS THROUGH MOVEMENT as a path home, back to a clear sense of how to feel. When used as a practice, it's delivers powerful juju: you discover how to create an internal sense of security and comfort from within.

And, so the process of healing the pattern of choosing destructive relationships, is to learn, slowly and gradually, to give credence to the possibility that what we ARE matters. Thinking my needs are completely insignificant is a learned behavior, and unconsciously shaped by the environment of emotional blackmail and manipulation that is pretty much the norm in the dysfunctional family dynamic. The good news is, you can unlearn it.

 

When I allow myself to feel, I can sense when conflict is immanent. Anyone has this ability. Just walk into a room where people have been arguing and it’s clear. I can also begin to sense when people are not emotionally safe, or trustworthy. When I give credence to my own perceptions, I can nip those patterns in the bud. With each new encounter, I can begin to open up only to what feels safe. It’s a feeling, and one that is so unfamiliar after so many years in a virtual war zone, that it takes dedication and time to relax into.

It actually takes a leap of faith that it’s possible. It takes a leap of faith in the process, because the process is often uncomfortable. It takes an ability to be with not knowing and to allow that by hanging in there the path will be made clear, eventually.  And, if it’s really challenging, it’s going to take a leap of faith that you could find someone trustworthy to support you in the process. 

If this history rings true for you, if you relate to it, it may be that I'm the person that can take you from numbness to aliveness, from the patterns of the past to a pattern of finding new options, new ways of coping, living, loving, and moving through live both on the mat and off with a spontaneity you have been denied for most of your life. If you feel it IS time for you to reclaim your power, please contact me and I will take you through a number of strategies for releasing old patterns that you can do safely, without drugs, in the comfort of your own home no matter where you live in the world. If you think you might be ready for a self-directed way of moving your life into the next level of growth, please, please contact me. Been there, done that and won't it feel good when you are on the other side of all that baggage?  gabrielle.pullen@gmail.com

____________

 

We are not born knowing how to live! Be compassionate with yourself!

Check out the Interview I did with FELDENKRAIS Trainer

Dennis Leri for

the FELDENKRAIS GUILD:

What would Moshe Do?

 

"The process of Functional Integration^® and Awareness Through Movement^® 

  brings us into our human-ness by helping us understand how we function and learn."

                                                                                -- Dennis Leri

______________________________

 

 

Focus Mind & Body Events:

Come for the release from tension; 

stay for the discovery of your own path to

living your best life!

Self Sabotage: When Your Face Belies Your Words...

Congruence is when we are saying and doing the same thing. When we are BEING it - that's an even deeper level of integration. Awareness allows us to begin to pay attention to how we are showing up in life. Are you showing up as an old burnt out truck or as the Garden of Eden that is your true Essence? What have you become?

When there is a gap between what I say and what I do, my daughter looks at what I do. What I say then becomes what it is, merely words. She hears it like this: "Blah, blah, blah..."

Given that this is so, it's an opening, a doorway into self-understanding. What time is it? Time to take time to notice the discrepancies. It's time to walk through the door that helps us heal what is broken in ourselves by beginning to notice where what we do and what we say is incongruent.

In a movement lesson, this shows up as having an intention to move in a way that fulfills the request of the lesson, but finding that what actually happens is something different. Our ability to sense the discrepancies in ourselves is heightened by the practice. We refine the ability to notice, in the moment, when we want to show up in a certain way but something else happens instead. We also refine the ability to self-correct.


For example, when I was in the thick of compulsive codependence, it took me years to notice how incongruent I was. In one relationship after another, I saw clearly the violence of the man I was with. It was demeaning. Over time, I felt my sense of self-worth diminishing.

I was unconscious of how it was slowly annihilating my sense of self. It was as if I was slowly crawling into a worm hole in their shoe, simply another thing for them to step on. I was unable to differentiate between myself and the other person. My sense of self was so submerged already, that when the recriminations came, they seemed only to confirm the shame I already felt.

Going back to how a movement lesson (ATM) relates, it helps us become sensitive to our own inner conflict, and how this shows up as moving in ways that are inconsistent with our intention. Certainly we do this all the time, but we are usually too busy to notice it. ATM provides a framework to support us in sensing what is usually below the level of consciousness.

Long before I ever encountered ATM, I had a vague sense that when I took a stand for my gut feeling that I did not want to see this abusive man any more, my body was conveying a completely different message. I was afraid, I was conflicted, I wanted his love more than anything and my body expressed this.

I would smile when I needed to be connected to my outrage. I would appear fearful in my stance when I needed to convey all the power in my being. My facial expressions gave me away, proof that I lacked the courage of my convictions.

Having an intention to move in a way that is congruent with what I am feeling deep inside so that I am not giving in to fear or people-pleasing is a whole body action. It means incorporating my whole self into my stance, my feelings, my beliefs, my light and my love and hope for a better life. All this ATM helps me refine. And it can help you too.

Our ability to sense the discrepancies in ourselves is a heightened level of awareness that brings us home to our own power.

Which Way Are You Facing? Towards Joy or Pain?

Integration is when all parts of your Self are going in the same direction! When the parts of your Self are integrated into a whole, there is no need for more power or more control, because harmony is the natural result...

Nowadays, the word, 'orientation,' is a buzzword in politics because of the issue of Gay and Lesbian marriage. In reference to which gender a person finds attractive, 'orientation' reveals what dominates their perception. Who will they move towards, and who will they tend to move away from? It very literally determines perception. Yes, this is a stereo-type, but most gay men have more fashion sense and than the average male has in their little finger. It's a function of what they happen to notice naturally.

But orientation has other meanings. It can be used to refer to a function of the mind: when you get a head injury, you are asked to demonstrate this function: what's your orientation in time, space and person? They will ask you, "What year is it? Where are you? What's your name?" When you woke up this morning, how did you know who and where you were? (This last was a favorite question of one of the Trainers in my four year Feldenkrais Training.) What he was really asking was, 'Are you aware? Is Awareness a function of the mind? How important is it?' Can you change something if you are not aware of it?

What does it mean to be functional? It means to fulfill a specific purpose. A functional body can get you from point A to point B. A functional mind fulfills it's purpose when it knows where it is in space, time and identity.

Individual sessions of the FELDENKRAIS Method, are known as FUNCTIONAL INTEGRATION because they are about bringing the whole Self into a functional relationship with gravity. But this is NOT limited to time and space alone. Why? Because how we  move in space IS how we interact with the world.

We interact via movement which is the basis of all action. We also interact via the sense organs, eyes, ears, nose, and mouth. Imagine seeing without moving your eyes, smelling fire without being able to move away from it, hearing a child scream without being able to do anything to help.

The advantage of erect posture is the the ease of being able to survey the environment, to rotate the head and body around a vertical axis - kind of like the telescope of a submarine - to assess orientation, and safety, among other things. The direction of orientation will determine what information comes into the database of the mind, the memory banks of experience.

Moshe Feldenrkrais once said, "...our relation with anything outside, beyond what can be explored by the sense of touch, is determined through the movement of the head. All the information from the space around us comes through the head. And our relations with the world outside us affect the quality of the movement of the head most of all."

The sense organs that dominate our orientation with reality are all double organs that are located in the head. Eyes, ears and nostrils all use two sources of data to find the intersection that locates the exact direction whence a potential danger, such as fire, or a possible opportunity, such as the scent of home-made apple pie, might be coming from.

"In most people, their heads show clearly...which parts of the space around them they rarely make contact with. The carriage of the head is characteristic of the general bearing and manner of acting of each person," Feldenkrais went on to say in the same article. It's no mistake that as people age, they can barely turn the head after a while.

Why? Because how we move reflects how we think. And gradually, most people give in to the phantom of 'Reality.' How much sadness there is in the admonition, 'Be realistic! You're getting old, you're supposed to hurt.' After such an encounter in a doctor's office, most people gradually loose their sense of what's possible, even as they loose mobility in the neck and eventually stop looking outside the known space in front of them for their own answers.

How many times has that phantom crushed your hopes and dreams? The phantom that states that it's inevitable that we be crushed by the weight of gravity instead of stabilized by it. That we be diminished by the weight of experience instead of enlightened by it. That we give into pain as a permanently limiting factor, instead of challenging it's source and examining it's underlying message. Pain is the body speaking it's mind in the only way it can communicate it's infinite wisdom since it has no words.

Unfortunately, it does seem to be human nature to focus on what's wrong. The hope of the FELDENKRAIS Method lies in the way that it teaches you a completely new way to relate to life. The more AWARENESS THROUGH MOVEMENT (ATM) you do, the more you cultivate the new habit of looking for what works, what is easy, what feels good, what you may have overlooked.

What new options are out there that have escaped your notice to date? This only happens for people who keep doing ATM. Why? Because it's a means of becoming aware of what we don't know. And it's fun, so why not keep doing it? It's a given that what we don't know is always changing, even as we change and evolve and grow. The only certainty in life is change. We need a means of coping with it, since it's the nature of life.

I got a new oven and gas range in my kitchen for Christmas. I love to cook. But I am still learning how to use this shiny new instrument of creation. It requires a change in how I think. I can no longer just look at the flame to determine the heat. Each burner is a different size and the size of the flame might be the same, but the intensity of heat differs from one burner to the next. So I have to think in terms of outcomes. I have to really look and see if the pan is pan is producing the result I'm looking for, or, am I simply going through the motions and getting an outcome that burns my food.

ATM has taught me to integrate the results I'm getting, the changes I'm experiencing and the responses I make to life. It has taught me to orient myself differently. I used to be oriented towards self-destruction, suffering, martyrdom and self-loathing. It was simply a habit brought on by a life lived in some pretty difficult circumstances. My orientation was all about looking for a means of survival.

It was completely outside the realm of my reality to orient myself towards somenthing so completely outside my experience as success, or happiness, or joy. But, slowly, I learned to change my habitual thinking. Change your habits, change your life. It's easy if you know how. I have spent the last 20 years looking for the fastest, the most effective, and the most comfortable ways to do this. And this is what I offer you, so that you don't have to go through what I went through!

ATM provides a simple, concrete Method for changing your habitual thinking through the medium of moving while in a relaxed attentive state. You don't have to obsess about how you think, or what you think. It orients you towards your own best version of living, completely specific to you. It gives you the new reflex of looking at what works. Your life experience and history and preferences, as written in the template of your physical body, provide the clues. It's up to you to follow the path of bread crumbs to freedom. It's tasty fare, let me tell you. Unique to you, shaped by your own desire, longing and sense of what's right for you.

Quotations from 'Mind and Body' article in Embodied Wisdom, The Collected Papers of Moshe Feldenkrais edited by Elizabeth Berenger.